| Author | Message | ||
| Vienna
Senior Member Username: vienna Post Number: 403 Registered: 11-1998 |
Notes on a Ferry Crossing Two coasters chop and sway to starboard. Their pools of fractured light vie with the moon’s. I lean into an apparent wind. My vessel shudders; North Sea turns to disappearing steel, ice-spray and weightlessness. Such dark enormity in this heave heavy roll. Veering, backing; the force that flimsies fair-weather words. Our moon has been eaten by the storm. None the less you hang in my sky; a gull, on stilled wings. 'All of us get lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars' Neil Peart My poetry books at Lulu http://people.lulu.com/users/index.php?fHomepage=101596 | ||
| LJ Cohen
Moderator Username: ljc Post Number: 3628 Registered: 07-2002 |
Vienna, Hope you are well on your side of the Atlantic! I shivered reading this--today would not be a day to be out on the water. Brrrr. Some thoughts in-line: Two coasters chop and sway to starboard. Their pools of fractured light vie with the moon’s. <--the short lines 2/4 seem stilted here. I wonder if you might pull this into 3 lines and expand on the image some. Pools of fractured light seemed confusing--can you elaborate? I might break like this: Two coasters chop and sway to starboard. Pools of fractured light vie with the moon. I lean into an apparent wind. My vessel shudders; North Sea turns to disappearing steel, ice-spray and weightlessness. <--love the first 2 lines here. Not sure something to turn into something else that disappears. Maybe 'North sea/disappears steel, turns to ice-spray and weightlessness.'? Such dark enormity in this <--I think this needs a stronger image to carry the emotion, though I really like the metaphor. heave heavy roll. Veering, backing; the force that flimsies fair-weather words. <--good sound here! Our moon has been eaten by the storm. None the less you hang in my sky; a gull, on stilled wings. <--Lovely close! Perhaps omit the 'none the less', maybe, 'by the storm/still you hang' You've created a very effective mood here, V. best, ljc http://ljcbluemuse.blogspot.com/ | ||
| Emusing
Moderator Username: emusing Post Number: 2349 Registered: 08-2003 |
Lisa has done the hard work. I get to sit back and comment that this: Our moon has been eaten by the storm. None the less you hang in my sky; a gull, on stilled wings is perfection.  E | ||
| Zephyr
Senior Member Username: zephyr Post Number: 3438 Registered: 07-2003 |
Loved the final stanza Vienna,you have captured the mood of the sea well, will pop back in anticipation of a possible revision. | ||
| Gary Blankenship
Senior Member Username: garyb Post Number: 5924 Registered: 07-2001 |
Great end, and I follow Lisa so little to say... but here Two coasters chop and sway to starboard. Their pools of fractured light vie with the moon’s. I want lines the same length almost. 2 and 4 too short. might be better to do a 3/4/3/4 pattern than 4/4/4/4 forced Smiles. Gary btw, the review will be in new Loch Raven A River Transformed http://www.lulu.com/content/178110 . December's FireWeed http://www.mindfirerenew.com/ | ||
| Dan Cox
Valued Member Username: dcox56 Post Number: 116 Registered: 08-2005 |
Vienna, I love this. I agree with Lisa that you might rethink the beginning of S3, but that last line of that stanza is superb! I was playing with it a bit; and think you might consider making "dark enormity" or "heavy roll" the subject followed by a series of strong verbs. This might make things more forceful and add a choppiness to the sound. Consider: Dark enormity veers, backs, heaves- heavy roll- the force that flimsies fair weather words. Just a suggestion; don't know if that's any better, and I may have done some violence to your meaning. I just love this piece, very chilling. Now I'm off for hot chocolate with Schnapps, take care. Dan. | ||
| Vienna
Senior Member Username: vienna Post Number: 405 Registered: 11-1998 |
Thank you all so much with help on this. Ive been off with other things but will take your comments on board (as it were) Stay tuned and thanks again V XX 'All of us get lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars' Neil Peart My poetry books at Lulu http://people.lulu.com/users/index.php?fHomepage=101596 | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 6085 Registered: 11-1998 |
So glad to see something like this come out of your trip, my sister. Everyone has already given you great suggestions, so I will just say that this was my favorite part: "Such dark enormity in this heave heavy roll. Veering, backing; the force that flimsies fair-weather words." This led to many deep thoughts on my part. Thank you. | ||
| Vienna
Senior Member Username: vienna Post Number: 407 Registered: 11-1998 |
Well this has changed a bit, for better or worse I am still unsure! V Thoughts on a Ferry Crossing A coaster chops and sways to starboard. There and gone, almost apparition; deck-lights splintered pewter pools that glint and vie with the moon’s. I lean into a thin, apparent wind. My vessel shudders; shoulders Northern waves that turn to disappearing steel, ice-spray plunge and weightlessness. Such enormity in this heave-heavy roll, this lion sea of winter, German Bight. Veering, backing; the force that fails and flimsies fair-weather words. Our moon has been eaten by the storm. Nevertheless, you hang in my sky; a gull, on stilled wings. 'All of us get lost in the darkness Dreamers learn to steer by the stars' Neil Peart My poetry books at Lulu http://people.lulu.com/users/index.php?fHomepage=101596 | ||
| Lazarus
Intermediate Member Username: lazarus Post Number: 496 Registered: 10-2005 |
Vienna, I don't know which one is your final version but my vote goes to the one in the opening post. It rides, glides along like the moon in a mist, and hangs before it goes. “Something sacred, that's what they want” -Jim Morrison. From the movie “The Doors.” |
